Originally Post back in May.
I was going to do a post where I took a picture of my "what the hell?" face and do a whole rant pondering the question if that face was around back in the 1600's. Then I looked at the picture my webcam had taken and I wanted to kill small puppies.
Needless to say it was not at all flattering and it was too late at night to put on make up for a blog. That's the best part about the internet, you never have to look your best, or good or remotely human.
But it did get me to thinking, in my head I looked awesome, until I saw the photographic evidence. Then reality sucker punched me in the face.
So often I believe one thing and the total opposite is true. In my head, the novels I write are awesome. Perfect? No. But pretty damn close (or it will be in the next draft) but what if, they are really Laser Cats.
Yep that was a weird thing to say. Let me back up. There's a digital short on SNL called Laser Cats. Basically it's Andy Sandburg trying to pitch a skit to Loren Michaels about cats that shoot lasers out of their butts.
Yep. But here's the thing, they keep pitching it. This is Laser Cats 5.
So what if I'm really writing not a book about a band who one day makes it big, but Laser Cats the musical?
Dear writers/readers what crazy insecure fears keep you up at night?
You know besides that your cat will shoot lasers out of his butt.
Showing posts with label reposting of my faves.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reposting of my faves.. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Repost of My Funniest Posts 5- Not in the Christmas Spirt
I'm not in the Christmas spirit at all.
I look at all my decorations and think, "crap, I'm just going to have to take this down in a month."
I think a part of it stems from there are no Christmas lights up and down my street this year. And why is there none? Because my next door neighbor has not put up his lights.
There is a long standing, friendly feud with my next door neighbor. He LOVES his front yard and works very hard to make it nice. His first Christmas in his house, his whole front yard was lit up. He had at least 10 different types of decorations. It looked awesome.
My house had one string of rope light around the window, and you could see the rope light connect to the extension cord. It looked pitiful.
My Neighbor ended up shining one of those spotlights with the happy holiday's messages on the side of our house to make out house look all lame.
The next year we stepped it up. We bought a light up polar bear.
They bought a light up train.
The year after that we bought a light up seal, and we up it up next to the polar bear.
They bought these beautiful light up thingys I've never seen anywhere else but on his lawn.
Last year we put up the light up wreath (You know what happened to that) the polar bear and the seal. Over the year of storage though, the seal's head broke and didn't light up. So in the day time it looked fine. But at night, it looked like the polar bear decapitated it. Not really the festive mood I was hoping for.
Also last year my neighbor came up to me and said, "I'm going out of town for two weeks, do you mind turning on my lights every day so no one robs my house."
"Sure no problem."
His decorations look amazing, with a snowman, train, and those pretty colorful light up thingys.
Last year we have two wind storms. The snowman's head fell off. One of the light up thingies vanished. As it turns out they were made out of paper, saran wrap and a see through plastic. They were VERY fragile.<-- this becomes important later.
I went out and fix the snow man, (but he looked worst then my seal) I search for the light up thingy. IT was cold, and windy and I was outside for like ten minutes looking for it. The whole time thinking, "He's going to think I destroyed it on purpose."
Once it was back to a sort of normal state, two days later another WIND STORM hit.
The snowman died.
The light up thingy was under the car.
When I went to pick it up, it started to fall apart in my hands. Like someone trying to hid a dead body, I gathered the pieces and rushed to my basement. There it laid.
My neighbor came home early. "I'm sorry, there was these wind storms." The winter wonderland he created looked like an abnormally large radioactive lizard attacked it.
He smiled, "that's OK."
"I've got your light up thingy in my basement. It doesn't look good." I hung my head in shame.
I went down to get it and it split in half. Wire and plastic started to rain off of it as I carried it up the stairs. I couldn't make eye contact with him as I handed it to him.
Today is December 10, neither of us have our decorations up.
I think we're both in mourning this year.
His yard will not longer look like a magically wonderland for his children.
My yard won't look like a nature documentary gone horribly wrong.
Maybe's it for the best. I don't think an apex predator like the polar bear would have gotten along with the reindeer I wanted to buy.
Did you enter my super Awesome CONTEST?
I look at all my decorations and think, "crap, I'm just going to have to take this down in a month."
I think a part of it stems from there are no Christmas lights up and down my street this year. And why is there none? Because my next door neighbor has not put up his lights.
There is a long standing, friendly feud with my next door neighbor. He LOVES his front yard and works very hard to make it nice. His first Christmas in his house, his whole front yard was lit up. He had at least 10 different types of decorations. It looked awesome.
My house had one string of rope light around the window, and you could see the rope light connect to the extension cord. It looked pitiful.
My Neighbor ended up shining one of those spotlights with the happy holiday's messages on the side of our house to make out house look all lame.
The next year we stepped it up. We bought a light up polar bear.
They bought a light up train.
The year after that we bought a light up seal, and we up it up next to the polar bear.
They bought these beautiful light up thingys I've never seen anywhere else but on his lawn.
Last year we put up the light up wreath (You know what happened to that) the polar bear and the seal. Over the year of storage though, the seal's head broke and didn't light up. So in the day time it looked fine. But at night, it looked like the polar bear decapitated it. Not really the festive mood I was hoping for.
Also last year my neighbor came up to me and said, "I'm going out of town for two weeks, do you mind turning on my lights every day so no one robs my house."
"Sure no problem."
His decorations look amazing, with a snowman, train, and those pretty colorful light up thingys.
Last year we have two wind storms. The snowman's head fell off. One of the light up thingies vanished. As it turns out they were made out of paper, saran wrap and a see through plastic. They were VERY fragile.<-- this becomes important later.
I went out and fix the snow man, (but he looked worst then my seal) I search for the light up thingy. IT was cold, and windy and I was outside for like ten minutes looking for it. The whole time thinking, "He's going to think I destroyed it on purpose."
Once it was back to a sort of normal state, two days later another WIND STORM hit.
The snowman died.
The light up thingy was under the car.
When I went to pick it up, it started to fall apart in my hands. Like someone trying to hid a dead body, I gathered the pieces and rushed to my basement. There it laid.
My neighbor came home early. "I'm sorry, there was these wind storms." The winter wonderland he created looked like an abnormally large radioactive lizard attacked it.
He smiled, "that's OK."
"I've got your light up thingy in my basement. It doesn't look good." I hung my head in shame.
I went down to get it and it split in half. Wire and plastic started to rain off of it as I carried it up the stairs. I couldn't make eye contact with him as I handed it to him.
Today is December 10, neither of us have our decorations up.
I think we're both in mourning this year.
His yard will not longer look like a magically wonderland for his children.
My yard won't look like a nature documentary gone horribly wrong.
Maybe's it for the best. I don't think an apex predator like the polar bear would have gotten along with the reindeer I wanted to buy.
Did you enter my super Awesome CONTEST?
Christmas Gifts for People You Are Indifferent To.
I will give away three mystery gifts.
Contest ends on FRIDAY at NOON.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Repost of My Funniest Posts 4
Posted December 2009
My Neighbors
I’m pretty certain my neighbors stole the batteries out of our LED light up wreath last year.
Background knowledge:
I think wreaths are stupid. Well, no, I really like them, in the daytime. But at night the look stupid, because everything else is all lit up and the door is not.
I know what you’re thinking, use a spot light:
I live in a townhouse, I use my front door to get out of my house, and I don’t want to put a spot light on my front door. Mostly because I don’t want to get blinded every time I walk my dog.
Anyway, I discovered in Target all my Christmas problems could be solved with this wreath.
It was battery operated = no extension cords.
It had a 12-hour timer= I never had to turn it on
It was pretty= good in the day and at night.
It was awesome= I loved it.
Then something occurred.
My neighbor across the street had the same wreath.
I will be completely honest; I don’t know who got it first. It might have been him, maybe not.
Things that make you go HMMMM
Days leading up to Christmas
My Neighbor’s wreath is looking a little dim.
One night my dog goes bunkers barking and scratching at the door. I heard rattling and scratching outside the door but thought it was animal. Not out of the norm in my neighborhood where apparently the leash law is optional.
A few days later
My wreath is on at 3 pm when I’m coming home from work. The timer was set for 7pm-7am.
Two days before Christmas I find two tiny screws on my step outside my door. I don’t know what they could possibly be used for.
I notice the neighbor’s wreath is looking good.
Christmas morning
Zoey gets a gift that requires C batteries. Hubby says, “I just put C batteries in wreath, I’ll go get them.”
He gets his tiny screwdriver and opens the door. “WHAT THE HELL?” The cover of the battery pack slides off and he said, “These aren’t the batteries I put in.”
He took the batteries out and placed then in Zoë’s toy. The toy last 30 seconds before it dies completely.
Conclusion.
My neighbors stole my batteries.
I ask you, what sort of person does that? Why would they do that? What possible thrill or benefit could they get from that?
How much do C batteries go for on the black market?
Under what scenario did they think it was OKAY to enter on my property, with a tiny screwdriver and STEAL the batteries out of my wreath?
I think my act of niceness will be to place two C batteries on their step and say, “This is for you, and your wreath, next time, just ask, you ass hats.”
Don't forget to enter
My Neighbors
I’m pretty certain my neighbors stole the batteries out of our LED light up wreath last year.
Background knowledge:
I think wreaths are stupid. Well, no, I really like them, in the daytime. But at night the look stupid, because everything else is all lit up and the door is not.
I know what you’re thinking, use a spot light:
I live in a townhouse, I use my front door to get out of my house, and I don’t want to put a spot light on my front door. Mostly because I don’t want to get blinded every time I walk my dog.
Anyway, I discovered in Target all my Christmas problems could be solved with this wreath.
It was battery operated = no extension cords.
It had a 12-hour timer= I never had to turn it on
It was pretty= good in the day and at night.
It was awesome= I loved it.
Then something occurred.
My neighbor across the street had the same wreath.
I will be completely honest; I don’t know who got it first. It might have been him, maybe not.
Things that make you go HMMMM
Days leading up to Christmas
My Neighbor’s wreath is looking a little dim.
One night my dog goes bunkers barking and scratching at the door. I heard rattling and scratching outside the door but thought it was animal. Not out of the norm in my neighborhood where apparently the leash law is optional.
A few days later
My wreath is on at 3 pm when I’m coming home from work. The timer was set for 7pm-7am.
Two days before Christmas I find two tiny screws on my step outside my door. I don’t know what they could possibly be used for.
I notice the neighbor’s wreath is looking good.
Christmas morning
Zoey gets a gift that requires C batteries. Hubby says, “I just put C batteries in wreath, I’ll go get them.”
He gets his tiny screwdriver and opens the door. “WHAT THE HELL?” The cover of the battery pack slides off and he said, “These aren’t the batteries I put in.”
He took the batteries out and placed then in Zoë’s toy. The toy last 30 seconds before it dies completely.
Conclusion.
My neighbors stole my batteries.
I ask you, what sort of person does that? Why would they do that? What possible thrill or benefit could they get from that?
How much do C batteries go for on the black market?
Under what scenario did they think it was OKAY to enter on my property, with a tiny screwdriver and STEAL the batteries out of my wreath?
I think my act of niceness will be to place two C batteries on their step and say, “This is for you, and your wreath, next time, just ask, you ass hats.”
Don't forget to enter
Christmas Gifts for People You Are Indifferent To.
I will give away three mystery gifts.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
YA highway Road Trip wedensday: biggest hits
This Week's Topic:
Give us a link to the best blog post you've ever written!This is my personal favorite, I think it's funny and tragic. It's called How To Lose an Agent in 30 Seconds.
Part 1
Part 2
I posted this back when I had a layout that wouldn't allow comments.
Also I wondered what it would be like to be an extra on The FreshBeat Band.
Then there was the punk in my neighborhood who stole the batteries out of my light up wreath at Christmas time.
These blogs are my favorites because they make me laugh and they were the most fun to write.
NEWS: did you see I have 48 followers?
When I hit 50, it's contest time....
Prizes include, books, books and more books, oh and critique of your first 3 chapters or 50 pages.
So who am I to give away a critique? Well, I'm an extra set of eyes, I've been critiquing for three years now and it's something I really like to do.
Thanks guys!
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