Funniest thing you have ever written

So here are the funniest bits from my novels.

Funniest things I've written No System At All

Set up: Colin is talking to his idol, the bass player of NEO, Evan Porter.

Evan lifted the lid off of his cup and frowned. With one smooth motion, he threw it into a nearby trashcan, scattering a swarm of bees. “You want to be professional musician, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve heard this story a thousand times, the precise moment that inspires a kid to take the leap from screwing around to turning pro. Hmm. Word to the wise: the competitions is heartless, the hours suck, the money’s worse, and there comes a time in every touring musician’s life where he has to shit in a bag.”

“What?”

“You’ll shit in a bag and hopefully it’s a plastic one.”


The boys of No System at All are on their first tour, in New England, in January. Sleeping in their van got old, so they started asking their fans if they can sleep on their floor.

At day ten, Bryce snapped and in between song begged the audience if they could crash on their floor. “Any takers please see me at the merch booth.” Bryce ignored all the glares from his bandmates, he was cold, tried and hungry and mostly sick of sleeping in the damn van. Much to his surprised, a college chick home on winter break, took them up on the offer. Even better, she was hot, she wore a little too much eye make-up but had a cute curvy body. Her house was the same size as Bryce’s. Their benefactor let the rest of the band sleep in the living room, Bryce spent the night in her bedroom. In the morning she made them breakfast.

Bryce tried his luck again a second night, this time Colin was the winner of night stay in a cute girl’s bed. They got breakfast again. They came to the conclusion, “if you do a good job, the girls will cook you breakfast.”

Dave pointed out a flaw in their plan, “What if we stay at some dude’s house?”

Bryce and Colin caught each other’s eye. The lead singer said, “we’ll hit up a Dunkin Donuts on the way to the next venue.

New York Karma:

Stephanie and Spencer are talking about the important things.

Before I fell into another trap, I changed the subject. “What superhero had the most unbelievable origin story?"

"The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Their entire origin was based off of gross incompetence by New York City's Public Works. First off, how does a rat learn karate? Then what pet shop pours its unsold turtles down a drainage pipe? It makes you wonder what happened to the unsold puppies. Then who the hell drops radioactive ooze and doesn't report it? The CDC should have been swarming that place. Besides, 'ooze' is a verb not a noun. Most annoying, how do you get a California surfer accent in the sewers of New York?"

Her outrage was damn near the cutest thing about her. "So you didn't like them?"

"No, I loved them. Come on. Stupidity aside, they were Teenage. Mutant. Ninja. Turtles. What's not to love? I own all the movies on DVD and watch them once a year. On TMNT Day. It’s a holiday in my house, I don't go to work, I eat pizza and hit people with a Bo Staff."

I didn't think it was possible for her to get cooler then she already was.

“If it wasn’t for those turtles, most Americans might not have heard of the great Renaissance painters. It’s sort of sad if you think about it too much.”

Penny and Hank--- I wrote this a month ago and I've completely forgotten everything in this story. I'm sure there are funnier parts in the book somewhere.
Hank is talking a Ashley, a popular girl he doesn't like or trust.

She wrapped her arm around mine. She was touching me. How alarming and very violently. I yanked and side stepped out of her grip. She glared at the space I created. Her ice face melted into wet sugar. “I know a little secret.”

Was I supposed to care? I’m sure she knew lots of things I didn’t know, like the warning signs of herpes out break. But I kept that thought to myself.

So dear readers, what is your funniest bit?