Why I WANT an assissant to read my query and MS

This is a follow up post from yesterday's post.  I want an assistant reading my query and my manuscript because I imagine he or she would FIGHT for me. 

This is the scenario I have in my head, keep in mind, I have never met an assistant or know how his or her report is with the agent.  This is purely for my amusement:

Agent is sitting at her giant cherry desk with the skyline view of New York behind her.  She appears to be working, but is playing Angry Birds on her i-Pad.    Helpful Assistant comes in.  (for my sake only from this point one Helpful Assistant will be known as HA)

HA approaches slowly,  "did you get a chance to read that book No System At All?
Agent looks up from her game, blinks confused and clicks on the file on her desktop, "Oh yeah." Agent shrugs, "I think I'm going to pass on it.  I don't know.  I feel sort of meh about it.

HA yells in outage, "Meh? How could you possibly be meh about it?"

Agent shrugs, "I couldn't relate to Colin. I don't buy the smart guy who's socially stupid."

HA, "Come on! It's genius,  It starts off with a dick joke, then launches into a super heartwarming scene and ends it with another dick joke."

Agent eyes up Angry Birds, "dick jokes aren't hard."

HA giggles.  Giggles morph into uncontrollable laughter.  HA laughs so hard no noise escapes.

Agent rolls her eyes, "dick jokes aren't hard to write.  Whatever I'm still going to pass on it."

HA stops laugh and is instantly serious. "No you can't.  You have to make her an offer."

"No I don't think I will."

"I will lick everything in your office if you don't make her an offer." HA hangs her tongue for proof.

"Stop that, what are you doing?"

HA leans in to the computer. "make her an offer."

"No."

Like an eagle dive on to a trout HA licks the computer screen.  "Your keyboard will be next."

"This really seems more like a punishment for you than me  Besides if someone from HR came in, you'll  be stuck in another twelve hour sexual harassment seminar. "

 HA pause "I'll beat that level of Angry Birds if you make her an offer."

The agent says and returns to flinging a pissed off bird at an  jolly pig and hands over the i-Pad.  "You know what I really loved, the YA novel about the girl who's life is in danger and she has to pick between the nice boy next door and the sexy dangerous bad boy."

HA frowns "You're kidding, right?  Do you know what that book is missing...dick jokes."

Agent smiles, "I think I know what to do."

Dear Erinn,
We are pleased to offer you representation if you make a small editorial changes.  Colin needs to be called Colleen and she needs to fall in love with the a bad boy with a heart of gold and the super cute nice boy next door. Maybe someone could be trying to kill her, just a suggestion.  Also if you could make Colleen a vampire that would be great.

-Looking forward to working with you
SUPER AGENT.

Dear Super Agent,
I am thrilled that you have offered me representation   I love the editorial notes.  I have no problem at all turning Colin into a girl named Colleen who is also a vampire who is trying to figure out what to do with her life after she's rejected from Juilliard and is tossed up between two possible love interests.  Oh yeah and someone is trying to kill her.  Yes that's all great. But I'm afraid if I do that, I'll lose every penis quip in my story. I have TOO much artistic integrity to do that. 
I'm going to have to pass on your offer.

-Erinn.

Agent reads the email and shrugs.  "Hey HA, do you know why these birds are so damn angry?"
"Probably because the pigs couldn't tell a good dick joke."


No disrespect was intended to ANYONE who works in the publishing industry.  No pigs or birds were harmed in this blog.