Thursday, September 16, 2010

If I was Bella, a Twilight retelling

We read to experience things we would never experience in real life.  But if my boyfriend was a vampire, namely Edward Cullen and if I was Bella, then I think the whole vampire confession scene would go like this:

We're standing in a typical northwest forest, surrounded by giant trees and woodland critters.  His voice is husky, "Say it, Bella."

I know the truth and now he wants me to say it.  "You're kidding, right?"

He repeats his words, "say it."

I sigh, "I don't know how me verbalizing the situation will change your state of being. You're a vampire. It's not like's a magically curse of something.  Or maybe it is, I don't effing know."

His eyes grow wide, "Bella, language." But he shakes his head, "You're in danger I could kill you at any minute."

I check my cell phone, these big ass trees are blocking my signal.  Damn.  "What is that supposed to be a turn on or something?  Do girls really get all hot and bothered because they might die.  That's one hell of a niche market you're trying to fill with your sexual deviancy  and to be honest, that's just not me."

He turns away from me, "Bella, I"ve been waiting for you my whole life.  I haven't been with anyone else."

"WOAH!  Stop right there!  You're like 100 years old and you're still a virgin.  Yeah that's effing weird.  I don't think I can handle that."

"Don't you find that romantic?"

"Dear God NO!  I can understand waiting until marriage, if you plan on getting hitched at like 23, I can even understand not doing until you're like 30 because you're wrapped up in your career, but after 30 it gets like serial killer creepy.  Hell, you were alive during the roaring 20's and you couldn't get any hot flapper action?  1960's sexual revolution, you sat out on the sidelines?  What the hell is wrong with you." I pace back and forth and throw my arms up in the air.  "And do you have ANY idea what sort of pressure that puts on me?  You waited a century and now I'm expected to be good at it."

I shake my head, "I don't know how to give a blow job, I've only practiced on a lollipop and I think there's a size difference." Or at least one would hope.  But maybe that's the reason why he's a virgin.

"I didn't bring up sex, you did, Bella. I'm trying to change who I am so I can be with you."

"Why the hell would you do that?  Are you really that insecure?  You have more baggage than LAX.  How repressed are you?"  I eye up the path back to my house.   "I don't think I want to be in a paranormal YA book anymore.  I think I'm going home."

Another person walks up the path.  "Hey Bella."

Great, just great, "Oh hi Jacob."

"Hey um, yeah so I"m a werewolf and all my werewolf buddies can read my mind and I can read theirs.  So I was wondering if I could cop a feel so I could go back to my pack and feel like a bigger man, because let's face it, that's all I'll want in books 2 and 3 and 4."

I sigh and think it over. "Sure but keep it over the shirt."

"What the hell!" Edward yells.

I shurg, "Well Jacob's like 16, this makes sense and it's not as creepy as being 100 years old."

"That's just wrong."  Edward says.

"Not as wrong as a repressed vampire virgin."

"I meant he's not a werewolf, he's a shapeshifter.  His pack doesn't adhere to any the comformaties of werewolf lore."

I exhaled all the air out of my lungs. "How long were you going to go before telling me that?"

"I don't know, like, four books." Edward shrugged.

Ladies and Gentleman, I've got my cue, it's time to make a speedy retreat.  "Douche.  I think I'm going to be in a realistic fiction YA about the relationship between me and my dad.  I think I'll call that townie guy, whatever the hell is name is, and go be his girlfriend for a while.  And if the teen statistics are right, I'll probably end up having sex with him in under six months of our relationship.  Because that's how teens do it now a days.  Bella is out!  Peace."

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  1. *whispers* I have never read Twilight so I'm not sure what scene you're confessing but this is funny!


  2. I have to remember to stop reading your blog while I'm at work and have coffee in my mouth.

  3. HA HA HA HA. I am in exactly the same boat as Alicia on this one.
    ME: laughs awkwardly loud in dead silent office
    Everyone else: *stares*
    ME: Nothing to see here.

    "You have more baggage than LAX."
    omg. You slay me.

  4. This was just... epic win. So frickin' amazing. I'm sure my parents are like, "What is she laughing at up there?" xD

  5. hahahaa. The 16 year old is so much hotter than the 100 year old. If only she had made the right choice!