Writer's Wednesday
Lately Hubby and I have been into watching cable reality tv shows. Nothing sleazy like The Jersey Shore or anything with D- list celebrities. No, we watch Chopped on the food network, Storage Wars and Pawn Stars...I'll be talking about Storage Wars in another post--- be on the edge of your seat for that one.
Today I'm going to talk about Pawn Stars, because it's the one that's most like the query process.
Every episode is exactly the same, much like the query process.
A customer steps up to Rick with authentic piss pot used by Martha Washington. The costumer clearly thinks their item is amazing, or at least something that Rick can sell in his store. Much like a writer when completing the revision of his or her book.
Rick takes a look at the item and says, 'what do you have here?"
This is when the costumer tells Rick all about said item. We have now entered the query letter. The customer says they got the piss pot at estate sale and they don't know much about it...
INSTANT REJECTION.
Rick says um, no and the customer goes on his or her way.
FORM REJECTION... Basically the writer has queried an agent who doesn't rep that genre. Fifteen seconds on query tracker would have avoided that who train wreck.
Try again.
"I have a camber pot that was found in my great grandmother's attic, she was Martha Washington's camber maid." The customer proudly points to the M Washington engraving and hands Rick a signed letter that reads, "Thank you for doing a job that dehumanizes you. You, my dear, have done it with dignity and pride. No one can clean up my urine like you can."
SCORE--- the customer knows what the item is and has hand written proof for item.
Rick is interested, "how much are you looking to get?"
Customer, "12 million dollars."
Rick, "no really, what did you want?"
Customer, "two thousands, it's got Martha Washington's DNA."
Rick, "God I hope not."
Cut to a scene of Rick describing the item, "Anything Washington is collectible. I'm interested."
For a writer this is the request for more material. Most likely a full manuscript.
Cut back to Rick, "Well I have some concerns, mostly it's a camber pot, so yeah, that's sort of gross. What I'm really interested in is the letter. Do you mind if I have an expert come in and look at it."
After months of waiting an agent returns the news, "I like it but I want to see it revised more." Yep, it's the loved but equally dreaded Revise and Resubmit.
Cut away to the customer, "It's the real deal, I'm looking forward to seeing what an expert will say."
Oh customer, yes, you do think it's real. Don't you? Much like the way a writer thinks his or her work is the next New York Times Bestseller. Right?
Later an expert comes in, takes one look at the item and basically tells the viewers everything Rick already told them. But also this time add a little more info. "Martha Washington was famous for giving away household items to the staff, an no item was more important than a chamber pot." Then the expert hands down the news, "but I'm afraid what you have here is a hoax from the 1970's. See you can tell because it says, "made in China." Sorry."
For a writer, this would be the rejection on the R and R. You can hear the sad music in the background.
Or it could go like this: The expert says, "this is without a doubt 100% real, The china patterns match the same one we've scene from the Washington estate. And this letter is 100% real, in fact Martha Washington was known to write little letters to her staff, although this might be a useless endeavor because most of them were illiterate. But whatever. At auction this could go for fifty grand."
This is the you're awesome email, wanna be my client?
Then in the show Rick and the customer haggle back and forth over the price. The customer normally gets 50% of what Rick can sell it for, which normally pisses off the customer but they take the deal anyway.
I imagine this is what selling your book is like (clearly I wouldn't know).
At this point I've stopped paying attention and I'm just waiting for Rick to say something funny about buying urine. Either way, it doesn't matter, I'm going to keep watching and I'm going to keep being hopeful about the query process. Because that's what we do. Right?
Whats your favorite episode of Pawn Stars?
Clearly I don't own this picture, it's from the History Channel. That's Rick. He's awesome.
